ГђГ Г§ГЈГ®ГўГ®Г°Г» Г®ГЎ ГЂГ¬ГҐГ°ГЁГЄГҐ

White Owl

- What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's battery in backwards?
- He keeps coming, and coming, and coming...

White Owl

BEER DRINKER'S TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Room is spinning.
Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
Fault: Drooling on yourself.
Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
Fault: You're at a circus.
Solution: Go to a bar.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Cheers,
\Pete

Sticky_Eecky

40 Things Not To Say Before Sex, Add yours!
1. Ok... so do i pay you know or after
2. wait let me get my girlfriend to join.
3. I dont feel like using a condom
4. I have aids
5. So what's your name again?
6. let me get the blow torch
7. I Hope you don't taste like your sister
8. How long is this gonna take?
9. I have dinner at 7:00 with my wife so if you could hurry it up that would be great
10. Like 15 minutes ago, I took the biggest, longest s**t of my life, allowing it to extend far above the water in my throne. God damn it was groovy.
11. Crap the dog is looking
12. wow....last night my cum was green
13. dont forget, his name is bubba
14. did you take a shower today you smell like crap
15. i dont really look like liza manelli do i?
16. You wouldn't happen to have any viagra would you?
17. wait a minute, that says Vick's not Vaseline
18. which one is the vagina?
19. This isn't where I parked my car...
20. and take your teeth out this time
21. hope you dont mind that i havent showered in 3 months, im going for a record
22. Dont move too fast, I've got the s**ts.
23. MY PENIS where did it go!
24. Before we do this, I want to know if they are real or silicone?
25. So I can put it in your ass, right?
26. Can you ask your grandmother to leave the room?
27. Don't tell mommy, okay?
28. Would you mind if my mommy stayed in the room with us?
29. i know you're my sister but we dont look anything alike
30. hey i remember you your my cousin
31. im gonna sleep, you can do whatever you want.
32. is that clean?
33. are you sure this goes there?
34. hey you look like that fat chick i went to high school with ha ha she was sooooo ugly
35. Who f**ks first?
36. It's usually bigger.....
37. Don't worry if it's yellow.
38. Where is that stripper at?
39. Mind if I turn on a porn while we do it?
40. I hope my girlfriend doesn't come home early.
_________________
I swear it couldn`t be sweeter, Life`s a bitch. Depending on how u treat her, U might get rich.

Helen_NJ

In 1923, who was. . .

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 82 years later, history tells us what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

So, what became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, and died in 1999 at the ripe old age of 95! He was *very* financially secure at the time of his death.

The moral here:

Forget work.
Play golf!

Helen_NJ

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."

Andrew

Sticky_Eecky

Helen_NJ

"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!"

I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was.

"Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"

R.E.M

Can You hear me - Г’Г» Г¬Г®Г¦ГҐГёГј Г¬ГҐГГї Г§Г¤ГҐГ±Гј
Undressed custom model - ГѓГ®Г«Г Гї ГІГ Г¬Г®Г¦ГҐГГГ Гї Г¬Г®Г¤ГҐГ«Гј
Manicure - Г„ГҐГГјГЈГЁ Г«ГҐГ·Г ГІ
I'm just asking - Гџ ГўГ±ГҐГЈГ® Г«ГЁГёГј ГЄГ®Г°Г®Г«Гј Г¦Г®ГЇ
I have been there - Г“ Г¬ГҐГГї ГІГ Г¬ ГґГ Г±Г®Г«Гј
God only knows - Г…Г¤ГЁГГ±ГІГўГҐГГГ»Г© ГГ®Г± ГЎГ®ГЈГ
We are the champions - ГЊГ» ГёГ Г¬ГЇГЁГГјГ®ГГ»
Do You feel alright? - Г’Г» Г±ГЇГ°Г ГўГ ГўГ±ГҐГµ Г§ГГ ГҐГёГј?
Bye bye baby, baby good bye - ГЉГіГЇГЁ ГЄГіГЇГЁ Г°ГҐГЎГҐГГЄГ , Г°ГҐГЎГ®ГГ®ГЄ ГµГ®Г°Г®ГёГ Гї ГЇГ®ГЄГіГЇГЄГ
To be or not to be? - ГЏГ·ГҐГ«Г ГЁГ«ГЁ ГГҐ ГЇГ·ГҐГ«Г ?
I fell in love - Гџ Г±ГўГ Г«ГЁГ«Г±Гї Гў Г«ГѕГЎГ®ГўГј.
Just in case - Г’Г®Г«ГјГЄГ® Гў ГЇГ®Г°ГІГґГҐГ«ГҐ
I will never give up - ГЊГҐГГї ГГЁГЄГ®ГЈГ¤Г ГГҐ ГІГ®ГёГГЁГІ
Oh dear - ГЂГµ Г®Г«ГҐГГј.
I saw my Honey today - Гџ ГЇГЁГ«ГЁГ« Г¬Г®Г© Г¬ГҐГ¤ Г±ГҐГЈГ®Г¤ГГї
I'm going to make you mine - Гџ ГЁГ¤Гі ГЄГ®ГЇГ ГІГј ГІГҐГЎГҐ ГёГ ГµГІГі
May God be with you - ГЊГ Г©Г±ГЄГ Гї ГµГ®Г°Г®ГёГ Гї ГЇГ·ГҐГ«ГЄГ Г± ГІГ®ГЎГ®Г©
Finnish people - ГЉГ®ГГ·ГҐГГГ»ГҐ Г«ГѕГ¤ГЁ
Bad influence - ГЏГ«Г®ГµГ Гї ГЇГ°Г®Г±ГІГіГ¤Г
Phone seller - ГЏГ®Г§ГўГ®ГГЁ ГЇГ°Г®Г¤Г ГўГ¶Гі
Good products - ГЃГ®ГЈ ГГ Г±ГІГ®Г°Г®ГГҐ ГіГІГ®ГЄ
Let's have a party - Г„Г ГўГ Г©ГІГҐ Г®Г°ГЈГ ГГЁГ§ГіГҐГ¬ ГЇГ Г°ГІГЁГѕ
Watch out! - ГЏГ®Г±Г¬Г®ГІГ°ГЁ Г±ГГ Г°ГіГ¦ГЁ!
I know his story well - Гџ Г§ГГ Гѕ ГІГўГ®Г© ГЁГ±ГІГ®Г°ГЁГ·ГҐГ±ГЄГЁГ© ГЄГ®Г«Г®Г¤ГҐГ¶
Let it be! - Г„Г ГўГ Г©ГІГҐ Г¦Г°Г ГІГј ГЇГ·ГҐГ«!
Press space bar to continue - ГЉГ®Г±Г¬ГЁГ·ГҐГ±ГЄГЁГ© ГЎГ Г° ГЇГ°ГҐГ±Г±Г» ГЇГ°Г®Г¤Г®Г«Г¦Г ГҐГІ ..
I love you baby - Гџ Г«ГѕГЎГ«Гѕ ГўГ Г±, ГЎГ ГЎГ»!

- how do u do ?
- all right.
aka
- ГЄГ ГЄ ГІГ» ГЅГІГ® Г¤ГҐГ«Г ГҐГёГј?
- ГўГ±ГҐГЈГ¤Г ГЇГ°Г ГўГ®Г©.
_________________
ГЌГҐ ГЇГ®ГГҐГ¬Г Гѕ Г§Г Г·ГҐГ¬ Г§Г«Г®Г±Г«Г®ГўГЁГІГј, ГҐГ±Г«ГЁ ГµГ®Г·ГҐГёГј ГГ Г±Г®Г«ГЁГІГј ГЄГ®Г¬Гі-ГГЁГЎГіГ¤Гј, Г¤Г®Г±ГІГ ГІГ®Г·ГГ® Г±ГЄГ Г§Г ГІГј Г® ГВёГ¬ ГЄГ ГЄГіГѕ-ГГЁГЎГіГ¤Гј... ГЇГ°Г ГўГ¤Гі.

R.E.M

Г‘Г Г¬Г»Г© Г¤ГҐГІГ±ГЄГЁГ© ГЇГ°ГЁГ¬ГҐГ°:
ГЇГ«ГЁГІГЄГ . ГЋГГ Г¬Г®Г¦ГҐГІ ГЎГ»ГІГј ГёГ®ГЄГ®Г«Г Г¤ГГ®Г©, Г Г¬Г®Г¦ГҐГІ ГЎГ»ГІГј ГЄГ ГґГҐГ«ГјГГ®Г©.
ГЃГ›Г«ГЁ Г«ГЁ Гў ГўГ ГёГҐГ¬ Г®ГЇГ»ГІГҐ ГЁГ±ГІГ®Г°ГЁГҐ (ГўГ®Г§Г¬Г®Г¦ГГ®, Г±Г¬ГҐГёГГ»ГҐ) ГЄГ®ГЈГ¤Г ГўГ» ГўГ®ГІ ГІГ ГЄ ГЇГ»ГІГ Г«ГЁ Г±Г«Г®ГўГ ? ГђГіГ±Г±ГЄГЁГҐ-ГІГ® ГГҐ Г±ГЇГ»ГІГ ГҐГёГј, Г ГўГ®ГІ Г ГГЈГ«ГЁГ©Г±ГЄГЁГҐ... ГЏГ®ГГ Г·Г Г«Гі, ГЄГ®ГЈГ¤Г ГҐГ№Вё ГїГ§Г»ГЄ ГГҐ ГЎГ»Г« Гў Г±Г®ГўГҐГ°ГёГҐГГ±ГІГўГҐ?
Г‚Г®ГІ ГЇГ°ГЁГ¬ГҐГ°. ГЏГ°Г ГўГ¤Г ГЅГІГ® Г ГГҐГЄГ¤Г®ГІ, ГГ® Г®Г Гў ГІГҐГ¬Гі.
Г‚Г® ГўГ°ГҐГ¬Гї ГўГ®Г©ГГ» ГЈГіГ«ГїГ« Г¬Г Г«ГҐГГјГЄГЁГ© Г±Г®ГўГҐГІГ±ГЄГЁГ© Г¬Г Г«ГјГ·ГЁГЄ, Г ГЄ ГГҐГ¬Гі ГЇГ®Г¤Г®ГёГҐГ« ГГҐГ¬ГҐГ¶ГЄГЁГ© ГёГЇГЁГ®Г, ГЇГҐГ°ГҐГ®Г¤ГҐГІГ»Г© Г¤Г°ГіГЈГЁГ¬ Г±Г®ГўГҐГІГ±ГЄГЁГ¬ Г¬Г Г«ГјГ·ГЁГЄГ®Г¬ ГЁ ГГ Г·Г Г« Г± ГГЁГ¬ Г°Г Г§ГЈГ®ГўГ Г°ГЁГўГ ГІГј. ГЏГ®ГЄГ Г®ГГЁ Г°Г Г§ГЈГ®ГўГ Г°ГЁГўГ Г«ГЁ, ГЁГ§ Г®ГЄГГ Г§Г ГЄГ°ГЁГ·Г Г«Г Г¦ГҐГГ№ГЁГГ ГЁ Г¬Г Г«ГҐГГјГЄГЁГ© Г±Г®ГўГҐГІГ±ГЄГЁГ© Г¬Г Г«ГјГ·ГЁГЄ Г±ГЄГ Г§Г Г«:

- ГЊГҐГГї Г§Г®ГўГіГІ Г¦Г°Г ГІГј.
ГЂ ГҐГ¬Гі Г¤Г°ГіГЈГ®Г© Г¬Г Г«ГјГ·ГЁГЄ Г±ГЄГ Г§Г Г«:
- ГЂ Г¬ГҐГГї Г§Г®ГўГіГІ Г€ГўГ Г.
Г¶ГҐГГ§ГіГ°Г
_________________
ГЌГҐ ГЇГ®ГГҐГ¬Г Гѕ Г§Г Г·ГҐГ¬ Г§Г«Г®Г±Г«Г®ГўГЁГІГј, ГҐГ±Г«ГЁ ГµГ®Г·ГҐГёГј ГГ Г±Г®Г«ГЁГІГј ГЄГ®Г¬Гі-ГГЁГЎГіГ¤Гј, Г¤Г®Г±ГІГ ГІГ®Г·ГГ® Г±ГЄГ Г§Г ГІГј Г® ГВёГ¬ ГЄГ ГЄГіГѕ-ГГЁГЎГіГ¤Гј... ГЇГ°Г ГўГ¤Гі.

White Owl

R.E.M, ГГі ГІГ» Г¤ГіГ¬Г Г© ГµГ®ГІГї ГЎГ» ГЇГ°ГҐГ¦Г¤ГҐ Г·ГҐГ¬ ГЇГЁГ±Г ГІГј, Г ?

R.E.M

Г’Г ГЄ ГІГ Г¬ Г¦ГҐ"*" ГЎГ»Г«Г®!!! ГўГ°Г®Г¤ГҐ...
_________________
ГЌГҐ ГЇГ®ГГҐГ¬Г Гѕ Г§Г Г·ГҐГ¬ Г§Г«Г®Г±Г«Г®ГўГЁГІГј, ГҐГ±Г«ГЁ ГµГ®Г·ГҐГёГј ГГ Г±Г®Г«ГЁГІГј ГЄГ®Г¬Гі-ГГЁГЎГіГ¤Гј, Г¤Г®Г±ГІГ ГІГ®Г·ГГ® Г±ГЄГ Г§Г ГІГј Г® ГВёГ¬ ГЄГ ГЄГіГѕ-ГГЁГЎГіГ¤Гј... ГЇГ°Г ГўГ¤Гі.

Helen_NJ

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

Andrew

Helen_NJ

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?".

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"

Dasha

Three guys and a lady are sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... Double Income, No Kids Yet."
The third guy says "I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her: "What are you?" She replies : "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc." Г‘Г¬ГҐГµ

White Owl

Heard from an elementary school principal:

Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third degree examination.
"How old are you?" he asked.
"None of your business," replied his mother, shortly.
"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"
"That's not your business either, young man."
The boy thinks a minute, then delivers his final bombshell. "Well then, can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?"
Shocked and apalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper.
The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I know!" says his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you everything you want to know."
Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disembowled purse, holding her driver's license. "Just what the hell do you think you are doing?" she yells.
"Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective, "but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh 145 pounds...and daddy divorced you 'cause you got a 'F' in Sex."

Vecar

Slava

Helen_NJ

An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at one notation.

"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."

He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought.