ГђГ Г§ГЈГ®ГўГ®Г°Г» Г®ГЎ ГЂГ¬ГҐГ°ГЁГЄГҐ

Helen_NJ

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me exactly what you have done up
until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click.'"

Andrew

Helen_NJ

Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said "Let's play doctor."
"Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."

Slava

dimbur

Helen_NJ

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

Helen_NJ

ГЏГ°Г ГЄГІГЁГ·ГҐГ±ГЄГЁ ГГ ГўГҐГїГГ® ГЇГ®Г±Г«ГҐГ¤ГГЁГ¬ГЁ ГЎГ Г§Г Г°Г Г¬ГЁ Гў "Г†ГЁГ§ГГЁ". ГГЁГ°Г®ГЄГ Гї ГіГ«Г»ГЎГЄГ

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence. The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common -- they were both obviously habitual liars.

Helen_NJ

A woman's guide to understanding men...

1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even retired General Schwartzkopf.

3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"

7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Helen_NJ

Laws of Life

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

Andrew

Andrew

Bumper Stickers for Ladies

COFFEE,CHOCOLATE,MEN...
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY
THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND
I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...
I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF
PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,
SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
_________________
ГЂГГ¤Г°ГҐГ© ГѓГҐГ°Г Г±ГЁГ¬Г®Гў

Slava

Helen_NJ

This is why we trail so many countries in math...I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news.

Then, turning to me, asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Antonio

What the Professor says. -- What the Professor means. Г“Г«Г»ГЎГЄГ

Tell me what you like to be called. -- Who are you?
How do you spell your name? -- Who are you?
Please follow these guidelines and you'll do fine in this class. -- Don't cross me you maggots.
We will be using one of the leading textbooks in the field. -- We will be using my textbook.
The gist of the theoretical framework is what's most important. -- I don't understand the details either.
Most scholars believe that . . . -- I believe that . . .
Ask me that question in another way. -- Try being coherent this time.
There are no stupid questions. -- But there are stupid students.
You'll have to see me during office hours for analysis of that issue. -- I don't have a clue.
That issue is beyond the scope of this class. -- I really don't have a clue.
Today we are going to discuss a critical research topic. -- Today we are going to discuss one of my articles.
Unfortunately, we don't have the time to study all the scholars who have made contributions in this area. -- We will not be covering the work of people whose ideas differ from mine.
We can continue this discussion at another time. -- This has nothing to do with anything you moron.
We can continue this discussion at another time. -- Ok, you win.
We can continue this discussion at another time. -- I have nothing else to say about this topic.
Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. -- I was busy revising an article and didn't prepare for class.
What did Piaget say on this point? -- Did anyone do the assigned reading?
That's an interesting point of view. -- What incredible nonsense.
You think so? -- I don't.
The implications of this study are clear. -- I don't know what it means either, but there'll be a question about it on the test.
The test will be primarily multiple choice questions. -- The test will be 60 multiple choice questions, 30 true-false items, 15 fill-in-the blanks, 10 short-answer, and three essays.
Keep in mind that this was a challenging exam. -- No one scored above a C-.
The test scores were a little below my expectations. -- No one is going to accuse me of grade inflation this term.
I'll certainly give that some consideration. -- Not a chance.
I'm sorry about your grandmother. -- Wait till you see the make-up exam.
Any further questions? -- I'm ready to go.
It's been very rewarding to teach this class. -- I hope they find someone else to teach it next term.
You should probably get a reference letter from someone who's had you in more than one class. -- Who are you?
_________________
A road of thousand miles begins with the single step

White Owl

Relationships:
Women have deep, meaningful, mutually nurturing relationships. Men have "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life, usually by meeting another man and doing an emotional belly-flop.
A man will call six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You/ I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once.
Women prefer 3040 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 3040 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. Women consider getting married as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature before men do. 17-year-old females can function as adults, but don't. 17-year-old males can't function as adults, and don't care. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Handwriting:
Women use scented, coloured stationery and they dot their "i's", with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's".It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. Men do not decorate their penmanship. They chicken-scratch.

Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. A woman uses each of them every morning.

Groceries:
A man waits till the only item left in his fridge are half a lime and a Blue.
Then he goes to the grocery store, and buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. When a woman does this, it is called shopping.

Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women are't looking, men kick cats.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Slippers:
Men wear leather slippers that have been brought to them by their faithful dog. Women wear huge fuzzy orange things with faces, that look like puppies.

Nicknames:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

White Owl

Two fishes swim in Atlantics.
Suddenly the great shadow covered them.
First fish: What a shadow! What can it be?
Second one: That's the bottom of "Queen Elizabeth".
First fish: God, save the king!

White Owl

Why did CNN cancel that cool "Desert Storm" show?

A fool and his money are my two favorite people.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

I have a magnetic personality - keep me away from diskettes.

STATUS QUO is Latin for "the mess we're in."

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

ROM wasn't built in a day.

But soft, what bird through yonder window breaks?

A procrastinator's work is never done.

Welcome to Westworld, where nothing can go wornggg...

Never judge a book by its movie.

"Captain, why not just give the Borg Windows 3.1?" - Worf

"Captain, I sense a million minds staring at my cleavage."

Call me Ishmael. I won't ANSWER, but...

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Error opening CLINTON.LIE Cannot recover COUNTRY.USA

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

If you save the world too often, it begins to expect it.

"My God, it's full of stores!" - 2001: A Shopping Odyssey

WWhhaatt ddooeess dduupplleexx mmeeaann??

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.

Oh sure! But what's the speed of dark?

Move your vowels every day or you'll get consonated.

If puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.

RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

I used to jog, but the ice kept falling out of my glass.

I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.

Don't walk through the screen door, you might strain yourself.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

It was the best of lines, it was the worst of lines...

A dirty book is seldom dusty.

Fish are so hard to toilet train.

Lawyers: the larval form of politicians.

I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

And they shall plow their swords into beach chairs.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Shareware author dies: .GIF at eleven!

It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone shorts.

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Creditors have much better memories than debtors.

The upper crust is just a bunch of crumbs clinging together.

If you hear an onion ring, please answer it!

If you stand up to be counted someone will take your seat.

Pollytheism n.; the belief that God is a parrot.

If you ain't Moslem, you ain't Shiite.

Here I sit, in a tizzy - all my favorite boards are busy.

I'm not Canadian, although I tend to like their bacon.

I smell a rat. Did you bake it or fry it?

What fools these morals be?

"Old poets never die, they just ride off into the sonnet."

I'll have one brain on drugs with bacon, toast and juice.

Psst, your file is open.

Computer illiteracy? You mean my computer's supposed to READ?

Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Apathy error: Don't bother striking any key.

Will that be cache or chkdsk?

Ignorance is temporary; Stupidity lasts forever!!!

The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

You've got to hand it to the IRS. If not, they'll come and take it.

If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille.

We all live in a yellow subroutine.

Money is the root of all evils. Send $20 for more information.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

We secretly replaced the dilithium crystals with Folgers crystals..

Editing is a rewording activity.

File not found, but if you'll hum a few bars...

Slava

Andrew

ГЏГҐГ°ГўГ»Г© ГіГ°Г®ГЄ, Г ГГЈГ«ГЁГ©Г±ГЄГЁГ© Г¤Г«Гї ГГ Г·ГЁГГ ГѕГ№ГЁГµ:

"Г’Г°ГЁ ГўГҐГ¤ГјГ¬Г» Г°Г Г§ГЈГ«ГїГ¤Г»ГўГ ГѕГІ ГІГ°Г®ГҐ Г·Г Г±Г®Гў "Г‘ГўГ®ГІГ·". ГЉГ ГЄГ Гї ГЁГ§ ГўГҐГ¤ГјГ¬ Г°Г Г§ГЈГ«ГїГ¤Г»ГўГ ГҐГІ ГЄГ ГЄГЁГҐ Г·Г Г±Г»?"

Г’ГҐГЇГҐГ°Гј ГЇГ®-Г ГГЈГ«ГЁГ©Г±ГЄГЁ!

Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch watch?

***

Г‚ГІГ®Г°Г®Г© ГіГ°Г®ГЄ, Г ГГЈГ«ГЁГ©Г±ГЄГЁГ© Г¤Г«Гї ГЇГ°Г®Г¤ГўГЁГГіГІГ»Гµ ГіГ·ГҐГГЁГЄГ®Гў:

"Г’Г°ГЁ ГўГҐГ¤ГјГ¬Г»-ГІГ°Г ГГ±ГўГҐГ±ГІГЁГІГЄГЁ Г°Г Г§ГЈГ«ГїГ¤Г»ГўГ ГѕГІ ГІГ°ГЁ ГЄГГ®ГЇГ®Г·ГЄГЁ ГГ Г·Г Г±Г Гµ "Г‘ГўГ®ГІГ·". ГЉГ ГЄГ Гї ГЁГ§ ГўГҐГ¤ГјГ¬-ГІГ°Г ГГ±ГўГҐГ±ГІГЁГІГ®ГЄ Г°Г Г§ГЈГ«ГїГ¤Г»ГўГ ГҐГІ ГЄГ ГЄГіГѕ ГЄГГ®ГЇГ®Г·ГЄГі ГГ Г·Г Г±Г Гµ "Г‘ГўГ®ГІГ·"?"

Г’ГҐГЇГҐГ°Гј ГЇГ®-Г ГГЈГ«ГЁГ©Г±ГЄГЁ!

Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?

***

Г’Г°ГҐГІГЁГ© ГЁ ГЇГ®Г±Г«ГҐГ¤ГГЁГ© ГіГ°Г®ГЄ, Г ГГЈГ«ГЁГ©Г±ГЄГЁГ© Г¤Г«Гї Г ГЎГ±Г®Г«ГѕГІГГ»Гµ ГЇГ°Г®ГґГҐГ±Г±ГЁГ®ГГ Г«Г®Гў:

"Г’Г°ГЁ ГёГўГҐГ©Г¶Г Г°Г±ГЄГЁГµ ГўГҐГ¤ГјГ¬Г»-Г±ГіГ·ГЄГЁ, Г¦ГҐГ«Г ГѕГ№ГЁГµ ГЁГ§Г¬ГҐГГЁГІГј Г±ГўГ®Г© ГЇГ®Г«, Г°Г Г§ГЈГ«ГїГ¤Г»ГўГ ГѕГІ ГІГ°ГЁ ГЄГГ®ГЇГ®Г·ГЄГЁ ГГ Г·Г Г±Г Гµ "Г‘ГўГ®ГІГ·". ГЉГ ГЄГ Гї ГЁГ§ ГёГўГҐГ©Г¶Г Г°Г±ГЄГЁГµ ГўГҐГ¤ГјГ¬-Г±ГіГ·ГҐГЄ, Г¦ГҐГ«Г ГѕГ№ГЁГµ ГЁГ§Г¬ГҐГГЁГІГј Г±ГўГ®Г© ГЇГ®Г«, Г°Г Г§ГЈГ«ГїГ¤Г»ГўГ ГҐГІ ГЄГ ГЄГіГѕ ГЄГГ®ГЇГ®Г·ГЄГі ГГ Г·Г Г±Г Гµ "Г‘ГўГ®ГІГ·"?"

Г’ГҐГЇГҐГ°Гј ГЇГ®-Г ГГЈГ«ГЁГ©Г±ГЄГЁ!

Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch, which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?

Г€Г±ГІГ®Г·ГГЁГЄ: ГђГ Г±Г±Г»Г«ГЄГ "ГЏГ°ГЁГЄГ®Г«Г» ГЁГ§ Г¦ГЁГ§ГГЁ ГГ ГёГЁГµ Г§Г Г°ГіГЎГҐГ¦Г®Г¬".
_________________
ГЂГГ¤Г°ГҐГ© ГѓГҐГ°Г Г±ГЁГ¬Г®Гў

Helen_NJ

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?".

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury".

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm".

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast".

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills".

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land". And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."